This morning

This morning my wife had to get up and get ready for work. The baby began to fuss and cry immediately. I was groggy and needed another half hour of sleep. I picked up the baby and laid him on my chest hoping he would settle and go back to sleep. He passed out almost immediately and I was able to catch a few more minutes of sleep.

It was the most comfortable I can say I have ever been.

Babies are awesome.

Fatherhood

near smiling, originally uploaded by thehallspace.

I learned something about myself today: I could never go back to not having kids. Fatherhood is pretty much me from now on.

I could not imagine not seeing this guys face every day.

Fatherhood has been a real joy for me. Baby RAH doesn't do much really. He lays there, arms flailing, trying to command his limbs. You can see him working to be deliberate in his movement and coming up short. It is an awesome spectacle. With each new day he gains a little more control, a little more intent in his attempts. I am in awe of his growth. Already he is big enough to have swallowed the baby he was two months ago. His face is filling out and his newborn outfits stretch on his skin like sausage casing.

Each day I spend a little time, sitting next to him as he coos and gurgles. He's a talker this little man, making sounds to articulate his moods and feelings. Only 9 weeks on the earth and he's struggling to modulate his sound to accommodate whatever is going on in that brilliant mind of his. It is an honor to be allowed to witness these small moments. he's learned to lean into my chest when I hold him. He almost demands that my arm be bent a certain way to accommodate his round head, so that he may assess all that he can survey.

Today my mom had RAH, as part of a "work release" program, where I let her spend time with him, and my wife gets to catch up on her sleep. What's sad is that we didn't have any plans today for the first time in a long time. Usually when my mom has him I have organized some kind of date experience for us to attend. Unfortunately, today I had no such designs, so we sat around the house all day. It made me a little sad to be here, nothing to do, and not have little man by my side. Typically, between feedings, and changings, he sits on his little half circle pillow and makes sounds at me as I watch a show, or surf. It brought to mind all the fathers I know of, have known, am aware of, who spend so little time with their children, if any time at all. I could not imagine spending more than a few days away from this dazzling little person. It makes me wonder why did I wait so long to have kids? In reality I waited for the right moment, and this is close enough. My wife and I were talking about what we would be doing if we hadn't had little RAH. For the life of me I can not think of anything I was doing that was more important than sitting along side that little man and singing him Ben Fold's songs.

So, Fatherhood is me. I can't imagine myself any other way. I was born to raise this little guy. To steer him towards his dreams and through the pitfalls and tribulations he will surely face. His life is my life, and our futures were intertwined from the moment he breathed air.

There is no turning back.
He completes me, and I would be empty without him in my day to day.